This is how I want to remember Robin Williams. Positive and extremely nice.
This is how I want to remember Robin Williams. Positive and extremely nice.

This is not an obituary. There are enough people on the planet that are way better at this. Plus, I didn’t know Robin Williams personally, and I’m not a journalist. But Robin and I  — and so many other people in this world — have something in common, and that’s why this is a call for awareness.

The first thing I had to learn this morning when I woke up was: shit! I’m late. I’m supposed to drive the Missus to work!

Part of my waking-up-process is having a cigarette and checking my phone. Call it a ritual. Next up would be grabbing a coffee from the kitchen. I didn’t get this far. The news that Robin Williams (apparently, unconfirmed while I’m writing this) committed suicide was all over my phone.

Holy shit! I mean: holy motherfucking goddamn shit! How can this happen? How can someone bring so much joy into people’s hearts and be a totally sad man himself? What an actor, what an artist, what a great human being!

Robin Williams was very open about his addictions (cocaine, alcohol) and his depressions. This didn’t help enough, though. And no money, success and fame in the world could help him to overcome his struggles with life.

My distant relative Christopher Vogelmann, who’s a doctor himself (even when he’s “only” a chiropractor), said today:

Mental distress and mental illness affect more people than we readily know. Depression and addiction can hit those who are famous and those closest to us.

It is a sad moment as this great light of comedic genius has left us for a much larger stage.


The daily struggles can often be upsetting but the positive potential is equally strong.

We are as a nation ill-prepared to deal with mental illness. We often just stigmatize and warehouse those afflicted with mental illness – something that we would almost never do to a person with a physical illness.

He said it. I feel that this is all we need to know and think about right now and in the future.

I’m suffering from depressions all my life. I’ve had numerous moments when I wanted to end my life, because I couldn’t bear the deep sadness inside of me anymore. A sadness I couldn’t explain, one I could never find out where it was coming from. How do you pull out the rambling weeds when you can’t grab it at its roots?

funkagendaRead my fellow “workmate’s” thoughts on this, too, Funkagenda, who recently came out in public about his problems with depressions, drugs and alcohol.

I got it “under control”, kind of. The sadness and depressions are still there, but somehow I found a way to go through those phases. They have become infrequent, and I got meds that make it easier when they show up. I have had training all my life, to wear a mask, smile, so that no one would ever figure out what’s going on behind the mask.

The wish to just be dead and get rid of the pain then is still there. It’s mainly the responsibility for the hearts of the people surrounding me that keeps me away from leaving the stage of this life.

I’m sure Robin Williams had professional help, meds and loving people surrounding him. For a “normal” person, there would be so many good reasons to just be happy and enjoy life, but for Robin Williams all of this wasn’t enough, apparently.

I’m thinking about “why do people have problems like that” all my life. What the fuck is wrong? What makes people so sick, and why do I suffer from this, too? Is it a general sick world, full of ugliness and hatred? Does this produce so much negativity that some people just can’t deal with it? Are we not made for a society like that?

I remember a statement actor Gerard Depardieu gave when his only son died. It was something like

He wasn’t made for this world. He was a true poet, this world was too much for him. It’s okay that he’s at another place now where he can find peace for himself.

I was thinking that — as sad as it is — he is probably right.

I wish the world would be more lovely and less ugly. I wish people would treat each other with more respect and kindness. I wish money and status wouldn’t have the importance it has, and everyone could just live his life the way he wants without the constant pressure life puts on us.

Maybe there are individuals in this world that just can’t take all this ugliness. Maybe we put our wishes and our suffering into art, for the outside world to understand us better, to express ourselves, because words are so limited.

And some of of us obviously give the funny clown to overact the deep sadness inside of us, or to pretend that this world is an entirely beautiful place. Like Robin Williams.

P.S.: I didn’t write this to jump on a SEO bandwagon. I did it, because this topic affects me personally, and I think it helps others and myself to be as open as possible about it.
P.P.S.: I didn’t drive the Missus to work, the morning was all fucked up.


This is Zelda Williams’ tweet after her father’s death:


  1. Der Satz eines an Depression erkrankten Mannes :” Ich wünschte ich wäre im Stande ‘leben zu wollen’ wünschen zu können.

    Welcher ‘pro Leben’ Tortour ein Mensch Tag für Tag ausgesetzt sein kann und dies über Jahre und Jahrzehnte, geht über die “normale ” Vorstellungskraft und so kommt es, dass nach Erklärung suchende Menschen anfangen Unbegreifliches, – nicht Nachvollziehbares in etwas für sie selbst Einläuchtendes zurecht zu basteln.
    Dahinter können noch so redliche Beweggründe stehen und doch wird es nichts Gutes mit sich bringen und meist den Betroffenen zusätzlich belasten.
    Mut zur Hilflosigkeit und Unwissenheit wäre ehrlicher und konstruktiver bzgl. des bei sich selbst Bleibens und der eigenen Versorgung, sowie in der Akzeptanz des Betroffenen und dem Repsect vor seiner Individualität und eigenen Geschichte.

    Alles Gute!

  2. Ein (im Verlauf haarsträubender) Thread in Facebook,- in dem ich auf diesen Link und die guten Worte stieß, veranlasste mich dazu mich hier zu Wort zu melden, da mir das in FB nicht möglich ist und meine Worte zu diesem Thema gesagt werden wollten.

    Heard joke once: Man goes to doctor. Says he’s depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says, “Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up.” Man bursts into tears. Says “But Doctor… I am Pagliacci.” Good joke. Everybody laugh. Roll on snare drum. Curtains.

    Diese Welt wäre um ein Vielfaches, angenehm leiser,- würden die Menschen vorwiegend darüber sprechen von dem sie eine Ahnung und echte Kenntnis hätten.

    Meine, Ablenkung bedingten Rechtschreibfehler im vorigen Kommentar bitte ich zu entschuldigen.

    Best wishes !

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